Shattered
The faith, the hope, the love of God
Were once so clear to me.
His people were my family,
As a child I knew his peace.
But as I grew and came to see
A difference in my heart,
My family, they forsook me,
All foundations fell apart.
Those who shaped my faith in God
Now looked on me with shame.
Revulsion filled their eyes and heart.
How dare I call HIS name?
For if the people whom God chose
To be ministers on Earth,
Look down on me with scathing eyes
How much could I be worth?
Confusion and anger fill my heart.
How could this God of love
Forsake his child, now so alone?
What was He thinking of?
Perhaps He is no God at all!
I cry out in my pain.
It's just a bunch of people
Playing at a foolish game.
They're looking for some sense
Within the Chaos of their life.
But there's no room within their hearts
For someone such as I.
Once on the inside, looking out,
My life has been reversed.
Once love and hope, now pain and doubt.
How could I be so cursed?
My fragile shell of child-like faith
Lies shattered on the ground,
Slipping through my grasping hands
No more can it be found.
Gone too, are hope and perfect love:
Illusions, nothing more.
I put away such childish longings
Though it hurts me to the core.
I am weak and very brittle
As the world tears at my heart.
Humpty-Dumpty-like, I shatter.
From my wall I fall. . .apart.
All alone in bitter sorrow
I find no hand to help me rise.
Eyes now close in deep frustration
And I think on my demise.
But even in my well laid plan
To end my worthless life,
I fail and so am once again
Faced with this world of strife.
Taught to cope, how to deal,
Now I stand by strength of will.
What is right is what I feel.
But why does life seem empty still?
Those of faith seem somehow strong. . .
Able to bear more than their share,
But I am used to being frail.
That time's long past, I wouldn't dare.
Though I now see beyond the hate
To know that God is not that way,
I just can't get 'round this painful fact:
The hate's still there, and I'm still gay.
If there was a God of love,
He'd see into my broken heart,
Share my pain and weaknesses,
Help me find a brand new start.
"Where are you God," I want to shout.
Why have I been forsaken?
Your people, how they hate me.
I feel the fool who has been taken.
In exhaustion I lay weeping.
Stillness fills my quiet gloom,
When suddenly I feel a presence
Right beside me in the room.
"Darling child, I have not left you."
Gently whispers in my ear.
"You've been blinded by your anger,
When in fact, I've been right here."
Suddenly, spiritual eyes, long darkened,
By God's grace, regain their sight.
Then I see the God of glory
Standing right there by my side.
As He holds His hands out towards me,
I see cupped within his palms
All the shards I had forgotten
And a soothing, healing balm.
It took time, but he bound up my wounds.
Not one fragment had been lost.
He had caught them as they fell
And lovingly cleansed them of the dross.
Now I have been re-created,
My relationship restored.
I know who I am and who God is:
My Blessed, Saving Lord.